[Re]Birth

Home

You are viewing

theblissfuldead's journal
Log in Create a LiveJournal Account Learn more

Explore LJ: Life Entertainment Music Culture News & Politics Technology

Advertisement

23 April 2009 @ 12:54 am

If you haven't already, please add my new journal. See the last friends only entry for the name. If you are a reader but do not have a journal and would like to continue to read, please e-mail me at switchbladerose2001@yahoo.com

I loooove my friends list and wouldn't want to lose any of you. ADD ME.

Leave a comment

18 April 2009 @ 06:48 pm

I would like to live a normal, happy life, free of constant worry and suffering. I don't know how to exist normally; I'm constantly a slave to my body and the fear of something going wrong. It has been so difficult with so many changes happening at once. Maybe, I'm just emotional because my period is coming. Sometimes, I can't tell the difference between anxiety and emotional breakdown. I really want my life back. I hope that the end of the bad is growing nearer.

Current Mood:

depressed

Leave a comment

14 April 2009 @ 12:26 pm

I'm sick in bed today. Severe cough, headache -- possibly the end stage of the sinus infection. I ended up getting the Blackberry yesterday; so, I'll be online if anyone needs me.

Current Location: bed.

Current Mood:

sick

8 comments | Leave a comment

13 April 2009 @ 01:26 am

It has been terrible to feel both outside of my body and so utterly consumed by it at the same time.

Migraine tonight. Chiropractor tomorrow.

Working from the office. Need to buy a new phone -- the screen is cracked from the inside. I see no display. I cannot get texts. I can only get incoming calls.

Blackberry tomorrow.

Current Mood:

crappy

Leave a comment

10 April 2009 @ 07:29 pm

Since I've been married, I seem to be getting more pussy. Thus, I bought a new strap-on.

Oh -- and Elaine and I are going out tonight. Gimme a holler if you want to also.

Current Mood:

naughty

Current Music: "Hammering in my Head"- Garbage.

4 comments | Leave a comment

09 April 2009 @ 06:17 pm

The good news:

- The house is coming along very well. We're expecting to move in in about a month and a half.
- I'm working in Preston County now. It's one hell of a drive, but it is really easy work.
- The chiropractor fixed my neck again.
- I have taken to drawing cartoons for Trenton.
- I have been keeping a video log of things I find to, from and at work that amuse me. It reminds me that I'm still human.
- The sinus infection is almost gone.
- I have enjoyed having my husband home.
- We went caving again, and I overcame many fears.
- Also, I went to my first strip club.
- Elaine and I took Trenton to Monsters Vs. Aliens on Saturday. It was a lot of fun.
- Elaine's dog had puppies yesterday.
- I haven't had a full blown panic attack in 10 days.
- I can laugh again.
- Aside from the muscle spasms, today hasn't been too bad.

The bad:

- Sometimes, I have little faith that I will overcome what ails me. I know deep down that I will, but I can also feel so frustrated and helpless. I am not used to my body anymore. I still can't shake the feeling that something is wrong. I have progressed, but I don't feel like it is enough to satisfy me. I want my life back. I want to feel like myself again. I don't want to fixate on all of the negative. I don't want to have to worry about things that I wouldn't have given a second thought previously.
- My mother-in-law is driving me insane. She is constantly bitching and in a bad mood. I realize she has a lot of stress, but shit...does she really have to take it all out on us? I wish she'd stop telling me what to do.
- I over-think everything, and I hate it.
- I can't remember the last time I was truly happy.
- Allergy season is the pits.

12 weeks without birth control. I'm in a different place now than I was at the beginning for sure, but I'm still not myself. I just need to keep going. I also need a vacation -- that is, after TJ and I pay $10,000 worth in taxes.

Tags: anxiety, birthcontrol, emotional blahblah, end of one of the worst times, fun times, health issues, married life, our house, panic attacks, sickness, tj, trenton, work

Current Mood:

okay

3 comments | Leave a comment

02 April 2009 @ 05:21 pm

I have studied 20th Century American Literature extensively, and this has to be one of my all-time favorite quotes:

"But they danced down the street like dingledodies, and I shambled after as I've been doing all of my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but, burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes 'Awww!'" ~ Jack Kerouac, On The Road.

Tags: books, quotes

Current Mood:

calm

2 comments | Leave a comment

31 March 2009 @ 08:59 pm

In addition to five shirts [featuring zombies, the damned, ultra violence and Vampira] and a necklace [two children next to an open grave], I ordered these super hot shoes:

Tags: clothes, shopping

Current Mood:

pleased

5 comments | Leave a comment

31 March 2009 @ 03:28 pm

This morning's weigh-in was exciting. I haven't weighed this much since December 2006.

When I started working at the newspaper, I weighed 111 lbs. When I stopped working at the paper [insert loads of stress and bad birth control], I weighed 127 lbs. Currently, I weigh 113 lbs. I was 109 lbs when I graduated from college. I think that's about where I'm aiming for. Hooray for having undone years of damage to my body! I had been exercising regularly and eating right since I quit the paper in November 2007. I lost a lot of inches, but not a lot of numerical weight. I hit a plateau at 122-4 right before I went off of the pill in January of this year. The least I weighed was 121 in between quitting the paper and cutting out the pill. But yet I was a size 4. So, I dropped the pill, and I've dropped a ton of numerical weight in two months. I was already doing everything else right, yes? So, I'm excited and a great deal more confident now that that obstacle has been overcome.

My sinuses are angry today, but the good news is that I'm laughing. My mood is elevated. I feel motivated to do the things I'd normally do that make me happy. This is a big step in the right direction.

More good news -- TJ is coming home this evening. The project in Washington has been temporarily put on hold, and all of the title people have been sent home. I was not expecting him home until Friday evening.

EDIT: Two more from the reception.

Me with the Kelly.

Tags: end of one of the worst times, fitness, happy times, pics, sickness, tj, wedding reception, weight loss

Current Mood:

calm

2 comments | Leave a comment

30 March 2009 @ 11:40 pm

I have been doing a pretty good job at keeping myself busy, despite the full range of emotions/sensations I've felt today. I am watching a movie now. I'm going to start reading On The Road soon. I didn't have a panic attack today, despite everything I've gone through. Something intense is going on with my body right now. I have decided that this must be the end. My hormones must almost be stable, or I wouldn't have come this far. The sinus infection is almost gone.

There is a chance that TJ may be coming home early this week. I am trying to prepare myself for the worst, but I can't help but feel a little hopeful.

I worked today from the coffee shop -- platting, reading deeds, writing deed sheets, looking up assessments, etc. Tomorrow, I'll drive to Clarksburg and get exactly what I need. This is the last title I have to do there before I'm send to Preston County for a couple of weeks. I'm not feeling so badly about work now that things are changing for me.

Tomorrow will be better. I can feel it.

Tags: emotional blahblah, end of one of the worst times, health issues, hormonal imbalance, tj, work

Current Mood:

hopeful

Leave a comment

30 March 2009 @ 01:15 am

I took my crazy ass caving with a group of friends this evening. We were in there for five hours. I had never done anything like that before. It was easy not to focus on my freak outs and weird hormonal funk. I've been in an anxious state where I've felt insane and all I've wanted to do is cry. I cried on the way to the cave. I felt like I could good nuts a couple of times in there, but I never did. My friend said that his girlfriend went through what I've been going through at the end of her troubles after going off of birth control. The caving experience has awakened me in some ways. I came back feeling good and pretty normal. I'd imagine that my hormones had to reset themselves several times between 6 and 11 p.m. I'll have pictures soon.

Tags: anxiety, caving, end of one of the worst times, friends, fun times

Current Mood:

sleepy

Current Music: Watching The Mighty Boosh

2 comments | Leave a comment

29 March 2009 @ 01:14 am

From the progress journal:

The anxiety was through the roof today. I was afraid I was going crazy. This has happened to me before, and I just need to remember that. I’m not going crazy. This too will pass. Life will be beautiful and wonderful once more. I just need to find the patience to deal with everything. I am glad to have my husband home for the weekend. I know I need to work on a lot of things. I’ll be glad when everything is over. I know it will be. I know I can overcome this just like I’ve overcome every other little thing that has plagued me. I am a strong person, but it is always so difficult for me in the beginning. The world looks so weird to me. I don’t like the person I have become. I miss me. I spent so many years trying to figure out who I am. I don’t want to think about having to start that process all over again.

It is times like this that I believe that being a genius sucks. My powerful brain tends to over-think everything. It is very difficult for me to control myself when something ails me. I always overcome it in the end, but it takes me far too long to get there. This experience has been a lesson in gaining the patience I didn't have even when I was born. I have constantly lived my adult life in a hurry. I've lived the majority of my life in worry. I have had to learn how to fix myself in ways that I had never dreamed of. I have had to and continue to deal with so many issues that I didn't realize have such a great hold on me. Imagine having to do any entire personal overhaul during a stressful time in your life. It is not my idea of a good time.

Tonight, I'm having tea, watching Futurama with TJ and hopefully, starting a new book. Here's to brighter days.

Tags: emotional blahblah

Current Mood:

calm

Leave a comment

26 March 2009 @ 09:57 pm

Since January 1, 2009, I've lost...

10 lbs.

And I'm still dropping. It is amazing what going off of birth control did for me as far as that is concerned. There was a little hard work on my part too to keep it going. So, I'm three lbs away from my pre-Aviane/pre-Record Delta weight. Hooray! I'm a size 3 again! And I just put on and buttoned my size 2 Express jeans that have been laying in a tote under my bed for like...three years! [Yeah -- please don't tell me how unhealthy it is. I eat right, I exercise regularly, I'm only 5'2" and I have a small frame.]

If I lose 5 more lbs, I'll be the weight I was when I graduated from college!

Shake the disease -- day 2. My head has been killing me off and on as my sinuses drain. Amoxicillin 500 mg three times a day, Flonase once a day, saline drops 5-6 times a day for the next 8 days. I am coughing up things I didn't know existed. My neck isn't as swollen now. But again -- the headaches suuuuuck. Wish me luck. I don't want to have to go back on antibiotics for a third time.

My period is in it's fourth day, and I'm down to 5 PMS symptoms now -- anxiety, occasional heart palpitations, numbness, prickling and heightened sensitivity in my arms and legs, aggravation of skin disorders (I have eczema) and infection. I don't know how much longer I'll be experiencing these things, but it is good that I've gone from 11 symptoms Sunday to 5 today.

TJ will be home tomorrow after a week away. I can't wait!

EDIT: Wedding reception photo of the day.

Me with my mom.

Tags: birthcontrol, fitness, girl stuff, health issues, sickness, tj, weight loss

Current Mood:

sick

Current Music: Echo & The Bunnymen - Silver [#][*] | Powered by Last.fm

9 comments | Leave a comment

25 March 2009 @ 03:05 pm

Doctors visit today. My sinus infection is still there and is pretty bad, which accounts for the majority of my problems. I'm back on antibiotics, and she prescribed Flonase. So, lets cross our fingers and hope this does the trick. This explains why I've been feeling so dizzy and disoriented -- also the headaches and neck swelling. I'm feeling pretty anxious today, and I'm not sure why. I know it'll pass. My body just needs to ditch the bad stuff. Please continue to think of me as my body adjusts.

My doctor seems to think that the anxiety is a passing phase due to big changes in my body. She told me that if I want to get on medication for a while, I can, but I won't be doing that.

As always, I hope for a brighter tomorrow.

Tags: anxiety, doctors visits, health issues, sickness

Current Mood:

sick

Leave a comment

24 March 2009 @ 02:37 pm

...tell me I'm normal and don't have a hormonal imbalance while I haven't been myself in almost two months directly due to hormonal changes. What the hell? And don't even bother checking my hormone levels because my period is here.

I am under a lot of stress, and I have taken to dealing with all of the things that make me that way.

Also, the nerve pain and imbalance I was having was due to c1 (the bone that holds up my head) being out of alignment. Today, after yesterday's adjustment, I feel a million times better, but a little dizzier. But no nerve pain or debilitating muscle spasms.

Tomorrow, I go to the doctor, and since the gyno won't check my levels, I'll ask her to.

I hope that everything is better soon. I can't live like this.

Tags: anxiety, birthcontrol, doctors visits, health issues, hormonal imbalance, sickness

Current Location: The Daily Grind

Current Mood:

annoyed

6 comments | Leave a comment

21 March 2009 @ 07:30 pm

So, much of what I'm going through now is...PMS! Holy shite. Can it really be that simple?

I'm experiencing: depression, anxiety, confusion or fuzzy thinking, tearfulness, fatigue, headaches, breast swelling and pain, edema (visible swelling, particularly in the hands, feet and legs), sinus problems, dizziness, decreased balance, heart pounding (though less frequently now), bloating and nausea.

The up side is I'm not experiencing any of the following: mood swings (well, nothing too debilitating), irritability, angry outbursts, insomnia, changes in libido, overeating, cravings, alcohol intolerance, acne, hives, cramps, weight gain, menstrual migraines (that was about a week ago), asthma issues, arthritis and ulcers, coordination issues, fainting or urinary problems.

My period still hasn't come. It's only a day late; so, I'm not too concerned about it. I know it is coming soon, though because my body seems to be going through a last ditch effort to stabilize my hormones. The past couple of days haven't been the greatest, but I haven't had a panic attack today.

I have never experienced this many PMS symptoms, not even when I first started or when I was between 13 and 18 and got horrible cramps that seemed to never end. In fact, it wasn't until I was on Aviane that I started experiencing really bad cramps again. In the days leading up to my period, I would wake up in the middle of the night screaming that it hurt. My breasts would hurt really bad, too, more than my usual PMS.

I hope that next month is better. I need to remember that this is the first natural period I've had since I was 19.

So, the good news is that I'm not going crazy, I'm not abnormal, I do not have any long-term problems, and when this is all over, I know I'll be a better person.

I love all of you. You have been so wonderful to me, and I hope that I can find a way to repay you. I know that the world will get better for me, but it has been so hard to keep my head on straight. I appreciate all of the support. Please continue to think of me.

Tags: anxiety, end of one of the worst times, girl stuff, pms

Current Mood:

hot

8 comments | Leave a comment

20 March 2009 @ 09:06 pm

Just one for now. Many more will come.

Tags: married life, pics, tj, wedding reception

Current Mood:

calm

14 comments | Leave a comment

19 March 2009 @ 07:07 pm

So, my sinus infection is just about cleared up, and luckily, I avoided going back on antibiotics ::knock on wood:: I discovered, however, that I have severe gingivitis, particularly in the gums around the wisdom teeth on my left side, and I've had to attempt to purge that too. I have certainly had a lot happening to me all at once.

*

The good:

- I had a good day as far as anxiety is concerned and felt nearly normal today.
- I started my morning with my first cup of coffee in almost two months.
- The right side of my face did not swell up today.
- The swelling in my gums/neck/face has gone down.
- My otherwise painful/uncomfortable nerve twinges have downgraded themselves to itching.
- Work went well today, and I think I'll finish this title I'm working on tomorrow.
- [Can you believe I'm going to put this under good?] I get my period tomorrow.
- My nose bleeds have become less regular.
- Brandon was here Monday night for John Waters times before going back to Ohio.
- Yeah -- I had hot girl times after the reception.
- I made a new friend at the reception!

*

The bad:
- It hurts to breathe.
- I have no gap behind one wisdom tooth now (I had my 12-year molars pulled and have a gap behind all of my teeth). I don't believe it is abscessed, but I will definitely need to keep an eye on it.
- A local guy whose brother went to school with me died. He was 30 at most, and no one has any idea what happened.
- Also, TJ's grandmother (not the one we live with) died on the 7th. TJ had to take off from work and be a pallbearer on the 10th.
- TJ lost his wedding ring on the 6th, but I replaced it after the funeral.
- TJ hit a deer on the 9th, but the good news is that the damage was easy to fix.
- TJ, Washington PA, Monday -- loneliness will ensue.

*

TJ, Kelly and Chris went caving this evening. I hope they're having a good time. I'm having Robot Chicken times with my brother-in-law later on.

I miiiss Elaine, who is in Florida until Sunday and I will not see until next Thursday.

I really can't stand people who believe that everything that is happening to me is all in my head. There are actual physical symptoms, that are not anxiety attack symptoms but are symptoms of hormonal imbalance, that have been plaguing me. I have been called a hypochondriac. But those who have actually gone through what I'm going through understand exactly where I'm coming from. Given that these people have experienced similar, if not exactly the same symptoms, I'd imagine that it isn't just me. Seriously, if people aren't going to be supportive, they can get the fuck out. I know I haven't been the easiest to deal with, but how much of it is my fault? And look at all of the things that have gotten better! If I were in the same place I was a 6 weeks ago with no progression or effort to progression, maybe then I could see valid complaining. I do realize that I need to stop talking about it so much, but Jesus -- it's a big deal. I have always known exactly what was going on with my body. If I sneezed a lot, I knew I was getting a cold. If my arms were sore, I knew it was from exercise or work. But with this, everything has been a big trial and error, multiple diagnosis, disaster. It has taken to a while to figure out what is what and accept things I don't understand or think may be something more serious. I've had to learn to ignore my body, and Jesus -- that's hard.

But for now -- I will run away and watch a movie with Trenton. ;)

Tags: anxiety, friends, happy times, health issues, motherfuckers, sad times, sickness, tj, work

Current Mood:

okay

4 comments | Leave a comment

18 March 2009 @ 10:22 pm

Yes, I'm still alive. It has been so difficult to keep up with LiveJournal since I've been going through all of this terrible hormone stuff. It has going better, though. My anxiety attacks do not occur everyday now, and sometimes, I can think about less than desirable subjects and they don't affect me at all, which leads me to believe that I was correct in deducing that the birth control was causing this. The heart palpitations have been less frequent, too. Yesterday, I felt almost normal. Today was less successful, but I didn't lose my head.

Our wedding reception went wonderfully. Everyone had a great time. We ended up seating about 80 people, and everyone was raving about it for days. I will definitely be posting pictures of that soon. And the after party was faaaabulous!

My hubby doesn't leave for work in Washington, Pa. until Monday now. I'm still working in Harrison County, and after I'm finished, they will be sending me to Preston County. It has been very difficult to keep my stress levels down with him working away and me working alone during this hard time, but I've really been trying to overcome this. I know I can beat this. I know that I'll be a better person for having experienced this. I look forward to a day when it isn't the only thing I can think/talk about.

Tags: anxiety, health issues, wedding reception, work

Current Mood:

calm

Leave a comment

11 March 2009 @ 07:01 pm

I am determined not to let this ruin my life.

Tags: anxiety, health issues, hormonal imbalance, panic attacks

Current Mood:

blah

8 comments | Leave a comment

Advertisement