[Re]Birth

The Bridge Between Love and Hate:
Have you ever hated someone but still wondered what it would have been like to have been able to stay friends?  To wonder what they're doing even if they've fucked you over?  To wish that maybe you could contact them and let them know that the failure of the friendship wasn't the product of instability or flakiness or even an inability to be friends but the product of lies and betrayal spanned out over a period of time?  To wish that you could forgive them and have life go back to normal?  To wish they could just own up to their mistakes and show they care by winning you back with sincerity?  It doesn't make sense to me, but I've always had difficulty with cutting ties, especially when those ties were broken due to circumstance.  Why do people have to run from the past instead of resolving it and moving forward?  I've been guilty of running from things, but I still make my presence known.  The turmoil is complicated, so why shouldn't the conclusion of it be?  It's expected.  We all say things in the heat of the moment.  God -- I can't help but feel that these thoughts will set me up for certain disaster.


On Death in a Small Town:
This doesn't really relate to me personally, but it's worth mentioning because in a small town like this one, people grow to believe that it can't and won't happen to them.  In the past 30 days, five teenagers have died in fatal car crashes, one adult killed by a head on collision with one of them. Thursday, two 20-somethings, who the police will not release the names of, died in a drilling rig accident.  On Friday, another teenager was killed when his boat capsized while night fishing drunk with his friends.  Six kids, three adults in 30 days.  It's unbelievable.  Things like this don't generally happen here.  All of the teenagers were either current students or graduated from high school last year.  Four girls were killed at once when the driver, who was drunk, drove into a ditch, became airbourne and carreened the top of the cab of the truck into a tree.  There was a fifth girl in the vehicle who survived.  Less than one week later, a 19-year-old hits a 57-year-old man head on in front of Lowes.  When I was in school, younger people died unexpectedly from time to time but not all at once.  Imagine being in a very small community where almost everyone knows everyone.  Nine people are ripped from the community in gruesome ways.  The B-UHS Class of 2008 has lost four members just before graduation.  I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, but it's hard to accept that when death is so cruel and merciless to some -- when, even if you're not directly affected, you always know someone who is.  You drive down the road and a local business or two has put up their tribute, their condolences.  This is probably the worst thing that has happened to this town since the Sago Mining Disaster in 2006.  In fact, two days after the girls were killed, school was on a two-hour delay and teachers were instructed to use the methods they used for dealing with Sago.  Five out of these nine deaths were underage drinking accidents.  It has caused me to reflect on how much times have changed.  When we drank underage; most of us stayed put.  We went to a friend's house and crashed there.  It wasn't until the year after I graduated that we had an underage drinking related accident that I can remember.  These kids now have to deal with the emotional recovery of five.   


More to come -- from the paper journal this time.  

 

It has been awhile since I've posted a bunch of pictures at once.  Fast Internet at my dad's helps. 

I don't know how to articulate how I'm feeling right now, but I'll try, I suppose.

I wait for better things -- rebirth, renewal -- all the things that spring is traditionally meant to bring.  I would like to be employed full-time again.  I would like to be able to be free to advance myself and my family without being depended upon to take care of someone else's.  I'm sick of doing the same thing day in and day out, sans the few days that I do get work.  Don't get me wrong, I am comfortable in part-time employment to a certain extent, but I don't like how unreliable my pay is.  Futhermore, I somehow managed to overdraw on my checking account and the bank took what little money I made last pay period, and now, I have to be late on my credit card bills -- again.  

I want stability.  I want to move out of this house.  I just want to take my boys and get the hell out of here.  It has never been viable.  When I worked at the paper, I had enough to pay the bills but not enough to support a move.  TJ has tried time and time again to get full-time employment (he works part-time as a research director for a local politician), and he's always been overqualified or too inventive.  There were two job opportunities that were a go, but our vehicle was failing and unreliable for the travel these jobs would have required.  Since then, nothing similar has come up.  Some people seem to think that it's easy to just run out and get a full-time job, but it isn't here.  In a county of 2,500 people, opportunities aren't exactly booming.  I was lucky as hell to get my job at the paper.  The job I have now will prepare me for full-time, high paying positions, but I know that I don't want to do it for the rest of my life.  I want to go back to school, but I can't afford the schooling or the beating my finances would take if I had to sacrifice working.  

I hate being a mooch.  I hate not having money to buy the things I want.  I hate being trapped here for extended periods of time when we're broke.  And most of all, I HATE WORRYING ABOUT MONEY.  I want my life to begin.  I don't want money to be the thing that stunts that because I've never really relied on it for total happiness.  I really just want a place that TJ and I can call our own.  I don't want to be parented by his parents.  I don't want the nagging.  I am more than thankful for the support they've given us, but I really feel stunted.  It's time for the chicks to leave the nest.  I don't appreciate being told we can't work certain days because we have to take care of TJ's bitchy, lazy grandmother who doesn't listen to what we tell her anyway.  [And before anyone thinks this is elder bashing -- SHE WAS ALWAYS A BITCH, EVEN WHEN SHE WAS YOUNG AND SHE DOESN'T DO THE THINGS SHE USED TO BY CHOICE BECAUSE SHE WANTS ATTENTION.]   This is not my fucking problem.  I appreciate all of the help they've given us with Trenton over the years, but I can't waste my 20s doing this.  TJ's mother is like...two years away from retirement.  What?  Do they want us to leave when I'm pushing 27?  Fuck that shit.

I don't know what we can do, but it felt good to get some of that out.     

I have been doing four-a-week workouts for a long while now, but I've recently stepped it up a little to make sure I get the most out of my workouts.  

Since November 7, 2008:
I've lost 3 inches off of my waist and 3.5 inches off of my hips.  I have 1.5 inches to go on my waist before I meet my goal of regaining the smallest waistline I've had in my adult life.  

Tomorrow, I will be going to the gym, swimming and dog walking with my step-mom.

I have a photoshoot coming up soon.  We haven't finalized the dates yet, but it's definitely a go.  I have had so many opportunities I didn't take when I worked at the paper because I didn't have the time, and lets face it -- I can be strangely shy.  I think this will be good for me.



Leave me comments.  I haven't been online as much recently, and I'm still trying to catch up on all of you.